Lisa vs Duffman's Social Media
by Bumblebeemagnus
Summary: After Duffman goes on a scientifically inaccurate rant on social media, Lisa must bring Springfield to its senses and show that professionals in a field typically know more than an oft drunk fratboy of a mascot. Meanwhile, Marge and Maggie spend the day together.
1. Chapter 1

We begin our story in the suburbs of Springfield... Ohio? Kentucky? Oregon? Oh, what the hell... The Springfield where the Simpsons live. Lisa is upstairs working on homework. All of a sudden she hears a startling noise.

 _honkWEEWEEWEEhonkWEEWEEWEEhonksnortWEOOWEOO_

 _honkWEEWEEWEEhonkWEEWEEWEEhonksnortWEOOWEOO_

She runs down the stairs in a panic, but, as she reaches the living room, she realizes that it's Homer, who is fast asleep on the couch.

"Oh, thank God, it's only dad snoring. I'll just leave him alone."

Lisa decides that, before she goes back upstairs, she'll cut the TV off. She walks back to the couch to grab the remote when, all of a sudden, a Channel 6 news bulletin pops up.

"Good afternoon, I'm Kent Brockman," said the portly man in the red suit, "with a special news update."

A flashy news intro blares on to the screen. After the intro, Brockman speaks again.

"Duff Beers' 18-time Darwin Award winning mascot, Duffman, went on a YouTwitFaclr rant about fetal alcohol syndrome saying..."

The screen changes to a still image of the post.

"'Scienc isn't r freind. There just interestedf n puttin down da Duff™ brand and Duffman. Thtaz y Dufffman sys that frtal; a;cohol syforme is a myth. So, [EXPLETIVE] you, SCiENES!'"

The screen shifts back to Brockman.

"Powerful stuff. Now, let's turn to our resident scientist, Professor Frink, to hear a scientist's perspective on this issue."

Brockman turns his chair towards a short man wearing glasses, a labcoat, a pink shirt and a purple tie with yellow polka dots.

"Good afternoon, Kent..."

"Now, Professor, what can you tell me about fetal alcohol syndrome?"

"Not much, Kent. I'm of the variety of scientist with the buzzing and the dinging and the ROBOTICS... But-"

"You heard it here first, folks. Science is not sure about fetal alcohol syndrome."

"But that's not what I said, Kent."

Brockman leans over and whispers in Frink's ear.

"Shut the hell up."

He sits back up and, once again, speaks to the audience.

"Good afternoon and see you again in about an hour. And now, Ken Burns' documentary about the troubled production of 1971's Itchy and Scratchy in: You Only Slit Throats Twice starring Roger Moore as Itchy and Peter Sellers as Scratchy... Stay tuned."

Lisa turns the TV off, horrified.

"No one's going to take this seriously... right?"

Lisa knows that that isn't true. This is Springfield. And, in Springfield, everyone believes everything.

"Oh, no... I've got to do something."


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile, across town, Marge is dropping Bart off at Springfield Retirement Castle, the not-so-beloved residence of a certain Abe Simpson.

"Have a good day with grandpa, Bart," says Marge.

"But mom, all grandpa does is rant at the wall about how life was so much better during his war..."

Abe walks out and is about to speak to Marge when suddenly...

"Bye! Love you both!"

...she drives off as quickly as she can. A long silence ensues.

"Back in my day, women weren't allowed to drive of in a hurry to avoid conversation with their elders. They had to sit there quietly and listen to them complain."

"Great story, grandpa. Please, tell me more..."

"Weeeeelllllll... OKAY!"

"God, what have I unleashed?"

* * *

Marge returns home to a surprisingly quiet house.

"HOMER! LISA! I'M HOME!"

Homer wakes up and goes to see her.

"Hiya, Marge. How's it going?"

"It's going well."

"Good, good..."

Homer proceeds to walk back to the couch and fall asleep again.

"Boring conversation anyway," Marge sighs.

She walks upstairs to the room of baby Maggie.

"Hello, my sweet little angel, are you ready for a fun day?"

 _Suck, suck_ is the baby's response.

"Good," exclaims the blue haired woman, "but let me leave a note for Lisa. I'm sure she doesn't want to be disturbed. Analyzing the cultural impact of André Bazin for film class can be time consuming."

Marge returns to the lower level of the Simpson home. She grabs a pen and a sticky note, sits at the kitchen table, and begins to write.

 _Dear Lisa,_

 _Maggie and I are going to go play at Jack N. Ape's, a new play area downtown._

 _Will hopefully be back about 4:00, just in time for Maggie's 4:15 nap._

 _XOXOXOXOXOXOO,_

 _Mom._

 _P.S. Bazin believed film was more powerful than any other art form because of God's manifestation in a single image and, if God manifested in a single image, the repetition several dozen times a second for several hours would reveal God to the audience. That might be helpful._

Sticking that on the fridge, she grabs Maggie and heads out the door.

"Bye, Homie..."

 _honkWEEWEEWEEhonkWEEWEEWEEhonksnortWEOOWEOO_

"Oh, well..."


	3. Chapter 3

Lisa gently presses up against the glass door of the Channel 6 building. She walks into a small waiting room which looked and smelled like it hadn't updated since the 70's. In the center of the room, there is a reception desk and, at it, sits a figure familiar to Lisa.

"Miss Hoover?"

"Yeah? What the hell do you want?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm a teacher. It'd be more surprising if I didn't have at least 3 extra jobs..."

"Oh, right... teachers pretty much get screwed... heh..."

"Duh. Now, what do you want?"

"Oh, I was just here to see Mr. Brockman about a piece he ran this morning."

"Huh... Okay. Go right in. It's not like he's busy or anything..."

Lisa walks down a short hallway to a door that says, in big, bold, friendly letters, _KEN BR KMAN_ and, spray painted underneath, _Go to hell, Ken Brkman!_

"This place is in really bad shape..."

Lisa opens the door, revealing Springfield's most trusted newsperson taking a bribe from a Duff representative.

"WHAT THE HELL!? A SMALL GIRL!" screams the representative.

He runs and takes a dive out the small window in the corner that is missing its pane. He gets stuck. Kent runs to shove him out of the window.

"Mr. Brockman? How could you?"

"Uhhh... ummm... uhhh... Look, the new Malibu Stacy!"

Brockman darts off.

"From the new made-for-Hulu movie _Malibu Stacy: Rock'n'Roll Chocoholic_!?"

Lisa looks around.

"Oh..."

She walks back to the front of the building.

"I though you were the smart Simpson..."

"Yeah, but I'm still an 8-year-old..."

"Whatever."


	4. Chapter 4

Jack N. Ape's was little more than a glorified Krusty Burger Fun Factory™ built inside of an outdated office building in the eyes of Marge.

"What is this?" she whispers to herself. "There's a jungle gym, a rock wall and..." she gasps, "...a ball pit! This is COMPLETELY unsanitary!"

Just then, a person in a cheap purple monkey costume with fur falling wobbles out of the backroom.

"JACK N. APE!" cries out a small child.

"Screw you too, Cathleen... I don't care how... sickyour... momther is... She ain't stayin'... with us," Jack N. Ape stammers.

The actor slumps to the floor.

"Your sister's gone out. She's on a date and you just sit at home and masturbate... But Captain Jack will get you high tonight... take you to your special island... Captain Jack will get you by tonight... just a little push and you'll be smilin'... Oh yeah..."

Maggie giggles.

"Oh no, this place is exposing my baby to rampant alcoholism! I'm going to talk to the owner about this, no matter how hypocritical it is of me to call out a business for allowing this but never dealing with my own husband's alcoholism!"

* * *

Down the street sits a small shop named Scheherazade's Smoking Establishment, which sold pipes and e-cigarettes, but mostly bongs. In the window sits one of the most famous, most expensive pipes ever to grace planet Earth: René Magritte's pipe that inspired _The Treachery of Images_. Across the street sit sa Krusty Burger with a police cruiser outside. In it are Chief Wiggum and Lou.

"What a day," said the snout nosed Chief, "It feels like one of those days where absolutely, positively, absotivaly, posolutely nothing could even think about going wrong."

"Uh, Chief," said the mustachioed man who did most of the thinking for the both of them, "something is, in fact, going wrong..."

"You just had to say something, didn't ya, Lou?"

Jailbird Snake takes a pickaxe to the front window of the store and goes in.

"Cool! These 99 cent matches are exactly what I needed."

The criminal crawls back out the window, leaving valuables strewn all over the place.

"Alright, drop the matchbook, you pickaxe-welding punk."

"As alliterative as you are, you can't stop me."

"And why not?"

"Because I have a gun!"

"A GUN! OH GOD, HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL!"

Snake runs up the road.

"Uh, Chief..."

"Yes, Lou?"

"You have a gun too."

"Oh... heh... heh... Right. After him!"

A gun fight between the trio ensues, until a bullet ricochets off of the Chief's badge, through the window of Jack N. Ape's, and into the actor's head. People scream and run in all directions.

* * *

"... Thank you for the suggestions, Mrs. Simpson. We'll take them into consideration."

"I'm very grateful, Mr..."

"Nevain-daseries."

"Thank you, Mr. Nevain-daseries."

"Now, if you excuse me, I have to see what's going on outside."

The manager walks to the door, swings it open and bellows.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OUT HERE?"

He looks down to see the dead body with a huge pool of blood under it.

"Oh. Oh, Fu-"


	5. Chapter 5

At a boardroom in the offices at Duff™ Brewery, 11 old white men and a single black man are sitting and discussing the failure of their newest beverage.

"Sir, none of us understand how Duff20™ failed," said one of the men. "We all thought 'No Vagina can withstand the Powerful Duff™ flavor condensed into 20 calories (per 1/33,000 of a serving.)' was a great slogan."

"It was!" says another. "We just didn't promote it hard enough. Next time, we'll promote it by having a 487 hour party where no women are around. Only shirtless lumberjacks! That's manly!"

"Or," said the one black man, "It was just insulting to both genders by implying that women were weak and men were immature enough to go 'Nah na nah na nah, you have cooties and you can't have my beer.'"

"Get out of here," said the boss.

"What?"

"YOU HEARD ME! OUT!"

"But, sir, I have a degree from Harvard Business and created the most successful marketing campaign in this company's history with Duff™ Jumpstart®."

"OOOOOUUUUUTTTT!"

The man walks out with a sad look on his face.

"Stupid 'You need diversity in the workplace if you want to last beyond the next 20-30 years,'" mutters the boss, "Shows what you know, Barack **Hussein** Obama."

Just then, Lisa walks into the room.

"Hello? Mr. Schrub?"

"What do you want, little girl? Here to coo over Duffman's musculature?"

"No, but it does have to do with Duffman."

"Fine. What about him?"

"He's been posting awful things on his social media."

"Oh, I guess that's why our profit went up 300 percent."

"What?"

"We know he's been posting that stuff on social media because we did it."

"WHAT?"

"You see, people only become MORE interested in celebrities if they do awful things. Scientifically untrue things? They totally buy it. Drug overdose? Love it. DUI? Eat. It. Up. And if they die while doing these stupid things, well... 'Duffman was a saint. We should totally by more Duff™ in his honor.' Who the hell cares what happens to them? They're just people. We're a corporation. We... are God. Duffman is merely our Jesus to crucify in whatever way we wish."

"That's... awful."

"Say... are you here alone? Do your parents know you're here?"

"N-no..."

"Good."

Schrub pulls out a pistol.

"See you in hell, little girl."

He cocks his gun.

"You see," Lisa nervously states, "I actually believe that there are 31 planes of existence and, if you are greedy or cruel, you could go to one of the 4 planes below the one we're in right now. Heh..."

Bart and Grandpa, both clad in biker gear, crash through the window in a motorized wheelchair.

"Lis, we have to get out of here."

"How did you know where I was? Or even get up here... This is, like, the ninth floor."

"We didn't. Now hop on. HURRY!"

The trio burst through the window on the other side of the office.

"To the Corporate Doom Buggies! We have to silence that girl!"

* * *

"What's going on, Bart?"

"War broke out at the Retirement Castle when they ran out of pills and applesauce at the same time. Grandpa had the last applesauce cup, so Jasper and his cronies started chasing us."

"OH, NO!" says Grandpa, "They're gainin' on us, boy!"

Jasper, now wearing armor and a strange piece of headgear and riding a personalized scooter, screams, "If any of you die chasing this pudding cup, you will sit beside me in VALHALLA!"

"VHAT!?" yells Asa.

"I SAID: IF ANY OF YOU DIE CHASING THIS PUDDING CUP, YOU WILL SIT BESIDE ME IN VALHALLA!

"VHAT!?"

Bart looks back.

"It looks like the old folks have slowed down!"

"But THEY haven't!" screams Lisa.

The executives come barreling over a hill.

"Don't worry, kids, we can lose them in Springfield Desert!"

"Springfield has a desert?" asks Lisa.

"Are you really surprised anymore, Lis?" Bart retorts.

"No."

Schrub's massive buggy pulls beside the Simpson trio.

"I ADVERTISE, I GET PAID, I ADVERTISE AGAIN!" the businessman cries.

Bart blows a raspberry.

"WHY YOU LITTLE-"

Schrub crashes into a rock.

"Looks like the worst of it is over," Lisa sighs with relief.

"Uh, kids," Grandpa says with a worried tone, "You might want to hold on to something."

A giant, billowing sandstorm approaches the three. It flings them into the air.

"I LOVE YOU, BART!"

"I LOVE YOU, LISA!"

"I LOVE YOU, KIDS!"

"WE LOVE YOU, GRANDPA!"

"


	6. Chapter 6

"Welcome to the WORLD'S **LARGEST** BOUNCE HOUSE!" yelled out a carnival barker, "Only in town 'til the end of Springfield's Día de los Vivos festival!"

All of a sudden, the man hears screams coming closer and closer.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

Lisa, Bart and Grandpa crash in the bounce house, only to be launched back into the air.

"-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Lisa quits screaming for a moment when she notices what they are going to crash into: a building marked with a sign saying SPRINGFIELD HOUSE OF MIRRORS: NOW WITH NEW FLASH VS. MIRROR MASTER EXIBIT.

"I THINK WE'RE GONNA DIE," cries out Lisa.

* * *

Comic Book Guy was not happy.

"Who the hell chooses to use Bart Allen over literally any other Flash? I would have taken _Kingdom Come_ Flash over him."

"I'm sorry, sir," says the Squeaky Voiced Teen, "but we aren't allowed to give refunds."

"Fine, but next time, I'm going to the House of Wax. They're much more reliable."

Comic Book Guy storms out.

"The least, THE LEAST, they could have done was Wal-"

The trio lands on him, bouncing them back into the air once more.

"The fact we're still alive involves a remarkable amount of coincidence..." screamed Lisa.

Bart retorts, "Just be glad we aren't street pizza!"

The three finally land in Marge's car.

"How we managed that, I'll never know..." says Lisa with a sigh of relief.

"I'm tired..." says a now cranky Grandpa.

"Hi mom," says Bart.

"Hello," Marge responds, her voice somewhat shaky.

The rest of the ride is spent in silence. Marge drops the three plus Maggie off at the house.

"What was that about?" wonders Bart.

"I don't know," Lisa answers, yawning, "but whatever it is, it's best left to tomorrow..."

"Really!?" responds Bart, "This seems important."

"Look, I'm tired and I feel dead inside. There's only so much one little girl can do in a single day."

"Okay."

* * *

The Simpsons

Created by Matt Groening and Owned by 20th Century Fox Television


End file.
